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For Dads, Family Members and Friends
Anger and irritability are common symptoms of postpartum depression. If how she is expressing anger is making it hard for you to stay supportive, you might say, “I want listen to you. I know this is important, but the way you’re talking to me isn’t working. Can we take a break and talk about it later, when it is easier for us both to talk?” Don’t just shut down; real damage will be done to a relationship if you stop communicating. Verbalize your feelings instead of distancing from her.
Ask her how you can help right now. If she doesn’t know, make some suggestions. Give practical as well as emotional support. Encourage her to take breaks. If it is hard for her to be away from the baby, start with short breaks and build up. Breaks are a necessity; fatigue is a major contributing factor to worsening symptoms.
You will get through this. She will get better. It won’t be all at once or right away, but if you stick to a plan of healthcare, support, and communication, things will keep improving. Expect that she may have rough days for a while, even after she looks like she is “on her feet again”. The graph of recovery is not a straight line; it has ups and downs that get easier with time.
Postpartum depression or anxiety will not last forever, but neither will it go away quickly. Just because she is not all better does not mean that you are not helping. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. It is very frustrating when a mom remains distressed even after your support and encouragement. Even if she has not recovered yet, you are helping her with every kind word, every turn with the baby, every time you remind her that she will get through this.
(Written by Wendy Davis, Postpartum Support International Coordinator Chairperson)
How can you help support a new mom with a PPMD?
- Encourage her to talk about her feelings, and do not judge those feelings, fears or concerns.
- Don’t take her criticism personally.
- You are justified in being frustrated with her attitude and actions. Be sure to direct your anger at the situation and her illness, not at her. Remember she may be doing the best she can with her current situation.
- Set visitation limits by telling friends “no” when she doesn’t fell like company.
- Encourage her to take time out for herself and to take part in activities she used to enjoy.
- Encourage her to get out of the house and take a walk even it is only to the corner and back.
- Help her develop a schedule with one or two simple tasks. Praise her when she makes an effort.
- Remind her often that you love her, support her and that you are there for her.
- Help with the care of the baby as much as you are able, allowing and encouraging her to take a nap or sleep through the night.
- Enlist family and friends to help with the care of the baby, household chores, other children and/or meals.
- Encourage her to join a PPD support group.
- Help her monitor her symptoms and seek out professional help when needed. Don’t quit until you find someone who understands postpartum mood disorders.
- Remember that this illness is treatable and she will be well.
Postpartum mood disorders threaten the mother’s and father’s health, relationships, marriage, friendships and careers. Dealing with issues of day-to-day living becomes a special challenge. With patience and understanding, you can give valuable support. This will in turn assist the mother in her recovery.
What you may be feeling:
- You fear your wife/partner will never be the same.
- You may feel angry that your wife/partner is not pulling her weight.
- You want to “fix” the illness and feel frustrated that there is no immediate solution.
- Your efforts go unnoticed by her.
- You are pulled between the demands of work and home.
- You can’t do anything right.
- You are taking on the role of mother and father.
Things that may help you:
- Remember that it is important to take time out for you. You need to be healthy physically and mentally for yourself, your partner and your child.
- Educate yourself as much as possible about postpartum mood disorders. This may help you to further understand what your partner is feeling or experiencing.
- Find and talk to others who are in your situation. They may be able to give you insight and support through your partner’s illness.
- She may be angry and frustrated and lash out at you; you may not have done anything to provoke her. Try to remember this is all part of the illness.
www.postpartumdads.org
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